The Liar's Bar

May 19th

2009-05-20T02:19:39Z

It's Ian's birthday today. He's 11. I've been raising this sweet, amazing, frustrating, pre-teen of a child for 11 years. I don't know why I get so sad this time of year. Well I do know why, I just don't understand why I still get so upset. I am certain that my life without Ian would have been so much less. I have a good life, I've finally found someone to share it with, why do I still mourn and what if, every year. Ian is amazing, smart and funny and loving. I would be a sad, lonely woman with out him. Maybe, I don't know though, I will never know what life would have been, who I would have been. Would Ty love that person that I would have been? Would I still be over weight, would I drink too much, would I have still gone 10 years alone. I wish I could let it go. I wish I could not still be angry with Laura after all these years and angry at mom too. I wish I was better at this whole mothering thing, I am scared to death of the next 8 years. I wish I wasn't going to be so old when Ian finally needs me less. I wish Ty was happier about being stuck with fatherhood, I wish we could have had some time alone. I wish Ian had an easier childhood, I wish that he was healthier and happier. I wish I could be enough, enough mother, enough wife, enough daughter and I'm just not, never have been so how can I expect to be enough to get Ian through to adulthood. I hate all these thoughts, I wish I was a better person, just able to accept what life has given me and go on instead of thinking and thinking and thinking.

Life

2009-01-11T17:12:03Z

Every once in a while, life will slow for a minute and I will realize it's been a week, a month, a year since I spent any time thinking about how I'm living instead of just getting through the day.

I'm not wallowing in some blue miasma of depression, I'm just amazed at the way time marches on so inexorably. It's been a year since I've moved out here and with little reflection life has just moved on one step in front of the other. I get up every day and go to work, do my chores, kiss my husband and child, fall asleep on the couch and the next day starts over. I forget to savor life. If anything, that is my resolution. I have to remember that moments are fleeting and must be enjoyed. I am a married woman of 37, my son is 10 almost 11 and yet the moments I can look back on and "there I was happy, that moment was special, lovely, good" are few. Not that I haven't had good moments, I remember being surreally happy on my wedding day, I think of all the milestones Ian has hit and I know I've been proud and happy but I don't have those memories saved, filed away for later reflection, and enjoyment.

This is getting rambly and confused and I'm not sure what I want to say. I feel, insufficient, almost transparent as if my passage through life doesn't actually have a physical affect. Does a life un-reflected upon, un-examined, un-analyzed matter? For so much of my life it's been so important to just move forward, get up and go on that I've left so much behind. I feel like I've had to shed pieces of life like an outworn skin just to keep going. On the other hand, for years I felt like I wasn't going anywhere, all this furious action was just to stay in one place, at a certain level, head above water.

I guess, I don't want to keep losing things. I want to keep my memories and experiences, I don't want to lose friends and family, I don't want to be standing on the outside watching my life just happen and not living it.

I guess I don't really know what I want. I have this vague discontent, and a real fear that I'm going to wake up at 50 and not know how I got there. How the fuck did I become 37? I'm so old, I feel like the best parts of me are gone and I want to offer these things, my enthusiasm, my joy, my optimism and a certain lightness of being. I don't have these anymore, I don't remember spending them, using them up but they're gone. I frustrate both my husband and my son, I'm no fun, always bringing them down. I want to light, easy, joyful. How at my age do I find these again? Hopeful - how do I become hopeful? I don't remember ever being hopeful, I remember working hard to get what I want, knowing that not only does hope not work but it can make things worse. But I want to be that person, that sees possibility. I want to wake up, even on the days where I have to drive 4 hours, and find joy in kissing my sleepy husband good by, or accomplishing a task at work. And I want to come home and think about my day and know that I lived that day instead of it just being a gray blur that passes by to be replaced by another gray blur.

I'm not really unhappy, not like this rambling writing this makes me sound. I'm reaching, and I'm scared. I barely know my sisters, I know my brother not at all. I have left behind or been left behind by any number of friends. I love my parents but as much as my mom thinks she misses me, what she is really missing is the daughterly things I do, listening helping when I can. I am cipher and only seem able to reflect what other people want from me rather than to shine through as me. I don't want to be a place marker, I want to be afull person. I am desperately afraid I will lose Ty and Ian in the same way that I seem to lose everyone else, it's a passive thing and I don't know how to overcome it.

bleh, I'm not making sense. Would I have a different life if I'd been able to be, to live to be open and me? Would I have memories of parties with friends, and past relationships that I could remember fondly, family vacations, school reunions. I have none of these and I'm old, there's no way to go back and get a life. I want to make this life matter, I want to be a good wife and mother but I feel myself slipping into the same roles, the same actions, being ( or trying to at least) what Ty wants, what Ian needs but not making any impression because I'm not there. Somehow I've gotten lucky enough to find love at this late date, the irony would be to lose it because I'm working too hard to keep it.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm not sure how to fix this after all this time. What I wouldn't give to be 22 knowing what I do now. I know everyone thinks that.

I guess I just have the Sunday morning blues, maybe I need a nap

I guess that will be a goal this year. To make my life matter, not in some cosmic save the planet kind of way but in small ways. I want to exist, I

I am ridiculous

2008-08-02T16:34:41Z

I don't know why I can't say what I want, what I feel, what I need

I'm tired, I'm soul deep lonely and I'm sad. I feel ineffectual and un-neccessary. I intellectually realize that it isn't true but that doesn't change the fact that I feel that way. I don't know why I feel lonelier than I did in NY. Heather & Sunshine were both already gone and busy with their own life. Heather only calls when she needs to vent. She asks if everything's ok here but she doesn't really have the time or interest in the true answer. I feel completely boxed up, like there's no one to express myself too. I love Ty but I can't go to him when I'm feeling sad that he once again turned out the light and rolled over with out even pulling me near for a cuddle. Or tell him that I'm jealous that Ian doesn't need me like he used to or complain that I feel like I don't get much say in the decisions he makes.

I know Ian's growing up and I am thrilled that he and Ty get alond as well as they do but I feel invisible, as if someone turned my sound card off when I ask them to not wrestle or to be calm and they don't even acknowledge it except to tease me about being angry.

I go to work everyday knowing that there isn't a single person to have a real conversation with. I spend 9 hours alone except to exchange information about work. I miss banter and jokes and someone to have lunch with.

I hate driving, mostly because I'm so bad at it but it limits where I can go and what I can do on my own. Not that I want to be on my own. I am away from the house and Ian and Ty for so long every day and on Saturday morning when we could be together Ian's playing video games in his room, Ty's reading in bed and here I sit, alone.

I can't say any of this to Ty because all he hears is that I'm unhappy being here which isn't true. I am unhappy with some pieces and could use some help figuring out how to make it better. I need a girlfriend that I can sit and talk with and have a few drinks and just be silly. I like mary alot but I feel like I have to edit myself because she's Ty's friend and because she has a certain idea of who I am. I can't imagine how I will make a friend out here, I suck at it when I'm surrounded by people but I feel more than a little isolated out here.

I know some of this is PMS and some of it is loneliness and it's just not real but it feels real and it hurts now and I react badly to it and that just makes it worse. Every night when Ty comes to bed and reads or stays out in the living room because he's not ready for bed feels like a new, fresh rejection. and I just don't know what to do, do I pretend it doesn't matter and go to sleep, do I try to show him, I can't talk about it, I'm afraid of hurting his feelings. So instead I walk around with a huge raw bruise and everything he does seems to poke at it. it's not his fault that he hasn't addressed something that I've never told him is a problem. I had no idea I was so god damned passive agressive. I don't know how to get out of this cycle, I have to stop because it just upsets him.

I love being with Ty, I love coming home to him at the end of a hard day, I love knowing he's beside me in bed. I am so greedy that I want something more and yet so stupid that I couldn't tell you what that something is. I know I didn't expect the "in love" part of love to be over so soon but I can't be that shallow can I? I have love and caring and devotion do I really need that much romance? Am I after all that kind of woman?

I really feel like if I could just have a good bitch session now and then, a frozen pizza and some Buffy with a friend who knows me and will nod her head and agree and then tell me when I'm being silly I'd be ok but instead it just keeps building up. I'm such a ridiculous person. I have to do better at this, I have to be more present and true and less passive agressive. I have to, Ty is going to get sick of my moping and quietness and I couldn't stand if he got tired of me.

Friday Night

2008-07-12T00:04:00Z

I'm tired and rather blue for some reason. The truth of the matter is I have never felt so secure. Ty loves me, Ian is happy and I get to spend my life with the two people I love most in the world. I can't imagine a life with out Ty, it makes me so happy that he allows me to love him and care for him. He's so thoughtful and genuinely caring, I still don't know how I got lucky enough to have him want me. I just can't seem to let go of other crap going on at work and with mom and I worry about not being enough.

It's our last weekend with out Ian. We can't do much in the way of celebrating since money is tight. I've missed Ian alot but I am worried that things will be complicated and a bit tense when he gets back. He is always a bit sad after leaving mom and Ty and I have been childless for almost a month so I expect will be a bit impatient for a bit.

I guess I have reasons to be a bit down but I don't want to be. The whole situation with mom and Sam has me so upset. I feel guilty that I can't help them more but I also am so angry that they are in this position. I want to be able to lean on them now and then and I"m so tired of having to help them. Both Jenny and Tim have stepped up and are helping a bit which is nice but it just leads to me feeling more guilty. My jesus complex I guess. Money is tight here too. I'm not really sure why - we are pretty careful and don't overspend. I know I did in the weeks leaving up to the wedding, I spent money on new clothes and that stupid girls morning at the spa that no one seemed to enjoy. But since then I've been really good, tried to be anyway. I make $1250 a week and I am only bringing home $700 after taxes and insurance and 401k. I definitely feel like I should have held out for more money at this job. I made a bad decision because I was nervous about not having a job. I haven't not had a job since I was 16 and the idea scared me. I should have slowed down and thought things through.

Work is ok I guess. It's hard, I feel like I never quite have a good grasp on what I should be doing and how well I am doing. At times I think I am doing well and everyone is happy with me other times I just don't know. It's lonely being in a different office every other day. I like being in the carmel office but it's very very lonely. It's gotten better, to the point where people will say hello or make small talk a bit but for the most part I am my usual invisible self. It makes me sad to sit at my desk eating a sandwich every day while everyone else goes out to lunch, no one even thinks to ask. They aren't mean about it, it just doesn't occur to them because I am wall paper, I just fade into the background. I hate it.

It is the most wonderful thing in the world to be able to come home to Ty at the end of the day. I've never been able to just relax and let someone else be in charge. There are nights I just want to fold myself into his arms and stay there forever. I feel like I am messing things up already. I'm so needy, I want his attention and now that we live together it's silly to imagine that I would be the most important thing. I love his touch, when he holds me and touches me it makes me ache because it feels so good. I love his hands on me. I wish I could get over the need for more. I can't seem to not feel inadequate when he doesn't want more or when he'd rather do something else first before coming to bed. I lie in bed aching to have him hold me. I wish I could get myself together and stop being so whiny and needy. I know it has to be annoying to him. I hear stupid things coming out of my mouth and can't seem to stop them. I'm not feeling all that attractive anyway and I am tired all the time it seems, especially in the late evenings when we'd have time alone together. I want to make him happy and relaxed and comfortable with me,us, in his life and I just don't feel like I accomplish it. I feel like I just create new complications and annoyances for him. I wish I knew what to do, i wish I could see into his head.

Saturday Morning

2008-01-19T16:59:59Z

So it's not quite noon and already Ian's been whiny and obnoxious (only briefly but still) and Ty responded by going into the bedroom with the door closed. So I am shuttling back and forth, kissing and telling each of them that I love them. Three weeks now and this seems to be the pattern. Why can't one of the give just alittle? I know that Ty's the grown up and should but he also has no experience with children and is trying very hard. he takes care of Ian everyday before and after school while I'm at work, why can't Ian dump the attitude? It pisses me off that neither one of them care that it's my day off and I'm sitting here alone. Ian wants Ty to care for him so much and Ty wants to care for him for me if for no other reason but they are both so damn stubborn. arrrgh. What am I supposed to do? I love Ian but I deserve to have someone in my life, I deserve to be cared for too and the thing is he wants this too but he won't bend or behave. i know it's asking alot, we moved across the country and left are whole life behind but I am trying v ery very hard to keep things good for him to make everything as easy as possible. I just don't know what to do.

I'm lonely

2007-09-01T21:35:26Z

I know it's silly but I can't seem to shake it today

I just wanna cry, not really sure why. Last weekend was lovely. Ian and Tyler got along fairly well - as best I could hope for at the moment I think. Ian likes Tyler and is willing to accept that there will be a new authority figure for him and Tyler was pretty patient and willing to be lenient. I love being with Tyler, I just want it to be June. I want to be living with him, making our life together. At times I can't imagine why were waiting. I know their are reasons, the biggest being not making Ian change schools in the middle of the year. But I am also very afraid Tyler will change his mind before then. I'm not such a catch and I don't really know what he loves about me or why he loves me so I don't know how to make sure I keep doing or being whatever it is he wants. I know, I think too much but it seems so long to go, only seeing each other once a month. And I worry, does he really want me, does he really love me, it's all happened so fast. I've never had anyone tell me they love me and it scares me. i want this life so bad, I had no idea I would. I want to wake up with him every day and go to bed with him every night. I want to eat dinner, the three of us like a family at the table. I want to grow old with him. He tells me how much he wants that too. I just get so nervous, worrying that he will stop wanting me. No one has ever stuck around for me before. I have to get over my nerves and self doubt because that's all it is. I love him and trust him it's me I don't have faith in. grrrrr

Hello Again

2007-08-18T14:06:21Z

It's probably been almost a year since I've written in any kind of journal let alone on here. It was a hard winter and a rather interesting summer.

I am sort of amazed at the spot I am in. I am so happy and at a place in life I never thought I'd be. In January I changed jobs, after 10 years at C&W. This was huge, leaving there as much as I hated it at times i was comfortable and in control but I did it. I love my new job, it can be hard, it involves things that I don't always know by heart but I love my boss and the owner, they are smart and fair and great to work for.

I spent most of the winter and spring, some how back involved with Sean. I'd decided to not even try to date and sleeping with Sean occassionaly seemed to be a good compromise. But of course it wasn't long before he was as unavailable as ever. More so, he's tell me he loved me but it didn't matter, that the time for us to be a couple had passed but he still wanted my full attention and caring. he wanted me there needing him and wanting him all the time but he didn't want to reciprocate in anyway. I had continued to play on line and met a couple really great guys. Most of them lived very far away (my choice since it meant I wasn't tempted to meet them) but I realized I was getting more caring attention from an online friend in Australia then I was from Sean. That made it really easy to tell him good bye. In late April, after saying good bye to Sean I met another guy on line. Someone I had not spoke to before because I assumed he was too young. Tyler is younger then me but definitely young. He didn't live 3000 miles away but Indiana seemed a safe distance. He's smart and funny and silly and caring and I am rather deeply in love. We've spent the last few months talking and planning. We've been able to see each other only a few times but by this time next year I will have been living in IN for 2 months.

Yeah, not only am I in love and planning a life with someone, the life I am planning is in IN! After 20 years I am giving up NY. Granted, our love / hate relationship has been much more hatey lately. I thought this would be a hard decision but it isn't really. It's a bit sad, there are things I'll miss but I realized it was almost more the idea of living in NY that I'd miss. it fills me with a scary strong happiness to think of making a life with Ian and Tyler. I get a bit scared that something will change in the interim 9 months. I can't move there until after this school year and while I want to be there right this minute we aren't ready for it yet. I miss him terrible when I don't see him, I think if we can make the wait until I can move there and we can be there then we will be in a much better position to start a life. But my insecurites do keep knocking now and then. I have to keep those to myself because even if I don't trust my ability to keep someone in love with me I do trust him so I need to just relax and enjoy being cared for. It's so scary, no one has ever loved me, not like this, not for real, not for who I really am. He's a good man, he's thoughtful and kind and straightforward. I don't know how I got to this place so I feel rather lucky.

hello again

2007-02-27T03:11:08Z

Haven't written in a very long time. Alot going on and also nothing. Same old shit over and over. Not really worth talking or writing about. But if i don't say or write the words they just go around and around in my head.

I'm sure it's mostly hormones or something but I am rather tired and sad. Don't know what I am doing with myself. Heather is basically gone although we've spent some time together recently it just feels like filling time. I'm very lonely and wanting things I can't have again. Just moody and blue, I'm sure things will look better tomorrow.

Long time between posts again

2006-10-24T00:56:00Z

Kind of a rough day. Went into the office still very angry with Irene.

Spoke with Sue in HR about it this morning and Sue let slip that Rob our other group mgr resigned. I know Irene's way of dealing with big problems is to obsessively pick at small things but I am tired of being in the way of her neuroses. Very busy, which helped keep me focused and got a phone call after lunch that brightened the day. Met a really nice guy online, his name is Al and I'm really looking forward to meeting him in person on Friday. He's been really great to talk to the last few nights and I think we're going to have alot of fun.

Not looking forward to the office tomorrow, hope Irene's a little more together.

Five Answers

2006-08-20T20:29:57Z

1. Do you really make wishes when you blow out the candles on your cake? Yes but it's been years since I've had a cake with candles.

2. Have any of the wishes ever come true, if yes? Not that I can think of.

3. How do you feel about birthdays? (e.g., love the attention, just another day, don't want anyone to know my real age, etc.) I hate birthdays, not because of the aging thing although as the years go one it doesn't help. But primarily because I'm alone most of the time and if I do hope for something a present or company etc, it just seems I am usually disappointed. It's better, easier, less painful to just not expect anything and let the day go by unmarked.

4. Tell us a favorite gift you've received, or something you'd really like for your next birthday. I can't think of anything, I usually only get a present from my mom and although she tries she just doesn't know my taste very well. She gave me a book case two years ago which I really needed. I'd like to have someone in my life next birthday, to have a quiet dinner with.

5. What flavor cake? Angel Food cake with raspberry sauce

Friday Five Questions

2006-08-11T14:29:49Z

1. Do you work hard or do you take the easy way out? I work hard all the time but I hate it and resent it most of the time.

2. How's your day going? Right at the moment not too bad ( could be better tho)

3. How many pairs of shoes do you own? between 20 & 30

4. Do you consider yourself cool? No but I am interesting

5. What's the last song you listened to? Add it up but the Violent Femmes (before my ipod decided to die on me yesterday)

amyrose13 @ 2006-07-12T21:39:00

2006-07-13T01:39:56Z

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

× I have broken someone's bones.	✓ I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	× I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	✓ I need/want money right now.
✓ I love sushi.	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	× I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
✓ I like the way that I look.	× I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.	✓ I am usually pessimistic.
× I have a lot of mood swings.	✓ I think prostitution should be legalized.	× I slept with a roommate.
✓ I have a hidden talent.	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	× I have a lot of friends.
× I have pecked someone of the same sex.	× I enjoy talking on the phone.	✓ I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	× I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	× I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone.	× I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	× I want to have children in the future.
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn.	✓ I am shy around the opposite sex.	× I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
× I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	✓ I enjoy some country music.
✓ I would die for my best friends.	✓ I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
× I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	× I am happy at this moment.
× I'm obsessed with guys.	✓ Democrat.	× Republican.
× I don't even know what I am.	✓ I am punk rockish.	× I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	× I can work on a car.
✓ I love my job(s). (I do love what I do, I sometime hate the company I do it for)	✓ I am comfortable with who I am right now.	✓ I have more than just my ears pierced. (considering it)
✓ I walk barefoot wherever I can.	× I have jumped off a bridge.	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	× I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
× I hate office jobs.	✓ I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
× I am a pyro.	✓ I have thrown up from crying too much.	× I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
× I fall for the worst people.	× I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals.
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	× I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse. (girl scout day camp)	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	× I talk in my sleep.
✓ I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	× I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
✓ I have a tattoo.	✓ I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	✓ I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	× If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
✓ I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner. (and lunch and cocktail hour and bedtime)	× I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	✓ I have terrible teeth.
✓ I hate my toes. (10 years of pointe shoes)	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
✓ I have lived in either three different states or countries.	× I am extremely flexible.	× I love hugs more than kisses.
✓ I want to own my own business. (a little book store with a tea room)	× I smoke.	× I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
✓ Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
✓ I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	✓ I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
× I have played strip poker with someone else before.	× I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	× I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
× I can't stand being alone.	× I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
✓ I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	✓ I'm a judgmental asshole.	× I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
✓ I have travelled on more than one continent.	✓ I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	× I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	✓ I can speak more than one language.	× I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
✓ I would rather read than watch TV.	× I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
× I have no piercings.	✓ I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	× I have hit someone with a dead fish.
× I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	× I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	× I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
× I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	✓ I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	✓ I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	✓ I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
✓ I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	× I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	× I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	× I've gone skinny-dipping.	✓ I've performed in three plays. (went to a performing arts high school)
✓ I enjoy burritos.	✓ I'm Irish and loving it.	× I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	✓ Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	× Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
× I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
✓ I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	× I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	× I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
✓ Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	× Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

All's quiet on the western front

2006-05-08T02:17:43Z

or at least on Rogers Ave in Brooklyn. Ian and I are home from the hospital. Everything went well and he is recovering nicely according to the urologists.

Of course he is in a lot of pain and is having incontinence problems b/c of the catheter. Everything seems to smell of pee and I am scared to death of hurting him. He has 3 separate incisions on his lower abdomen. I'm so tired I could die and I am afraid that he'll get hurt while I sleep. I need about 5 drinks and a good bawl and I figure I can schedule that in sometime next weekend.

Please, if there is a god or karma or something, let work be quiet tomorrow. Mom won't get here until almost 5pm because there is no one to pick her up at the bus station until then. So I have the whole day alone with Ian, trying to get him to eat and drink, walking him back and forth from the bathroom, trying not to hurt him.

He's asleep again, I guess I need to try to sleep as well.

Just two more days

2006-05-03T03:55:19Z

until Ian's surgery,thank goodness. I had no idea I'd be so upset. I must be PMSing, I'm so weepy

i really want another beer but it's almost midnight so I guess that would probably be a bad idea. I haven't been writing because I've felt on the urge of tears for days. I'm so buried at work, there is no way things will be cleared up by Thursday and I won't be able to even think about work until next Monday or Tuesday. Ian says he is thinking of the surgery constantly, Friday can not come soon enough. Trevor is going to the hospital with us and Sunshine said she'd check in Friday evening. Mom and Sam will be up to see him on Saturday. I plan to stay at the hospital until he comes home. If mom's there I can run home Saturday to eat and shower.

I'm really sad, getting ready to go into that awful period of time between Ian's birthday and mine. I feel so old this year, wondering where my life has gone.

Oh well, it's late and I really don't have the energy to work up to a good moan and bitch session. Tomorrow is another day, maybe I'll actually get some things accomplished.

Questions

2006-04-29T02:40:32Z

1. What's missing from your life?

2. Do you like to get drunk?

3. Have you ever kissed a stranger?

4. Do you smoke?

5. What makes you happy?

1. What's missing from my life? Companionship, I actually have a couple friends right now and they care and like me and all that friend kind of stuff. But I don't have a companion, someone to talk to, someone with a shoulder to lay my head on, someone to be still with. If wouldn't matter if they were a lover or a friend or some hybrid but I miss companionship.

2. Yes, Yes, yes, Yes. I like to get happy sparkly drunk, I like to get sad, lonely drunk, I like to get sleepy contented drunk and I like to get mad, impetuous drunk. Granted it doesn't happen often. I have so many responsibilities - Ian and work etc. But if I was unencumbered I would drink more often. I would have lazy afternoons spent in a bar, quiet evenings with a glass of wine and wild nights with shots and beer.

3. Yes but not in the last 15 years. I think I'd be happier if I was in a position to kiss a stranger more often. I haven't even kissed a non-stranger in so long I don't know if I remember how. I think I remember that kissing was nice and fun and felt good but that might just be my imaginations.

4. No, although I have. I used to smoke now and then when I drank. Again tho, that was a long time ago and far away.

5. Happy is the sun on my face for the 20 minute bus ride to work. Happy is a quiet afernoon while Ian is out to spend reading. Happy is new music on my iPod. Happy is finishing enough work that I don't have to bring something home with me. Happy is making ajoke that some else gets

amyrose13 @ 2006-04-22T22:15:00

2006-04-23T02:32:05Z

Copied this meme from itmustbetuesday
1. Put your music on shuffle
2. Press Forward for each question
3. Use each song to answer the question

Pretty Funny

1.) How am I feeling today? Sri Lanka Sex Hotel - Dead Milkmen
2.) Where will I get Married? Dial a cliche - Morrissey
3.) What is my best friend's theme song? Death or Glory - The Clash
4.) What is/was highschool like? Furry Green Atom Bowl - Robyn Hitchcock
5.) What is the best thing about me? Never Be Rude to an Arab - Monty Python
6.) How is today going to be? The Letter - PJ Harvey
7.) What is in store for next weekend? Just Like Heaven - The Cure
8.) What song describes my parents? I Have forgiven Jesus - Morrissey
9.) How is my life going? November Spawned a Monster - Morrissey (poor twisted child, yes I am a freak)
10.) What song will they play at my funeral? Rock n Roll Suicide - Bowie
11.) How does the world see me? In a graveyard - Rufus Wainwright
12.) What do my friends really think of me? Life on Mars - Bowie
13.) Do people secretly lust after me? All the Young Dudes - Bowie (is that a yes)
14.) How can I make myself happy? Line of best fit - Death Cab for Cutie hmm, don't stand to close
15.) What should I do with my life? Free Me - Foo Fighters (can't disagree with that)
16.) Will I ever have children? Chanson - Karen Akers (might be a trick question seeing as Ian is going to be 8)
17.) What is some good advice? Welcome to the Working Week - Elvis Costello (so true!!)
18.) What do I think my current theme song is? Revolution 1 - The Beatles (again not wrong)
19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Angry Young Man - Billy Joel
20.) What type of men/women do I like? Ever the Same - Rob Thomas (yes I like Rob Thomas and true my tastes rarely change - someone broken)
21.) Will I get married? Nice Guys Finish Last - Green Day (think that's a no?)
22.) What should I do with my love life? I wanna be Adored - Stone Roses (again good advice to a question going thru my head)
23.) What's sex like? Carmina Buranna played by the Berliner Philharmonic - that's just scary
24.) Where will I live? Close to Me - the Cure (where does Robert Smith live?)
25.) What will my dying words be? Mirror People - Love and Rockets

amyrose13 @ 2006-04-21T00:45:00

2006-04-21T04:45:20Z

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Friday Five Questions

2006-04-08T01:57:26Z

1. What's the weather like?

2. When is the last time you felt appreciated?

3. What is the last bad news you heard?

4. What is your favorite sad song?

5. Tell us about something you're obsessed with:

1. Well On Wednesday it snowed from dark green apocalyptic skies, today the sun came out and it was a fairly warm evening. But I am really longing for some April warmth.

2. Most nights when I get home and Ian hugs me. Yesterday Heather called from Scranton, it makes me feel appreciated that I rate a call while she's so busy.

3. Lots of bad news lately. Last Fri was Mike's last day so we have no IT support at work, last Wed Rich gave notice, yesterday we scheduled Ian's operation (not really bad news but sad). Seems every other day lately there is at least a smidgen of bad news.

4. A Better Daughter by Rilo Kiley, Chip Away Boy by Frank Black and the Catholics, Damaged Goods by Christine Lavin and as cliche as it is Hallelu=jah (the Jeff Buckley version.)

5. I'm obsessed with Buffy (and Spuffy) and Veronica Mars (and Lo/Ve) which I really think are just symptoms of being obsessed with the idea of a strong but flawed even broken woman making her way in the world and finding someone who loves her not in spite of the rough edges and broken places but because of them. I am obsessed with fiction of any type that features strong, smart, caring men. And if those men are more than a little grey and at least a little broken even better - Harry Dresden, John Taylor, Jean-Claude, Spike

Hee!

2006-03-29T23:33:15Z

Your Quirk Factor: 79%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

Why go for the kill when you can go for the pain

2006-03-25T02:53:21Z

Oh Crap, it's been another incredibly sucky week. Three more people quit on me. By June there's going to be no one left but me - I guess that makes me the asshole. So, onto another five questions

1. When is the last time you became unraveled? I become unraveled to often. I spend a great deal of time on the brink but I don't have the time or privacy to give in. When I do have the time or privacy I can no longer seem to find the will. So I take things into my own hands. Thursday, two weeks ago, I give in and have that third drink. Get just drunk enough to cry and don't stop until I'm empty. I've gone two weeks on that last unravel and I'm hoping I've got one more in me.

2. What's the longest trip you've taken? Longest in distance or time. I've never really been away for any length of time. 10 years ago I took my mom to Britain for 5 days, I guess that's the furthest in distance.

3. Who is the biggest distraction in your life? I guess it depends on what is my life and what is the distraction. I could happily spend my life on the couch with a series of books so maybe the job and family are the distraction but I guess reality it's the other way around. There is a constant low hum, always in the back of my mind, urging me to go hide in the written word. Since I've found fan fic it's only gotten worse.

4. Do people notice you when you walk into a room? No, never. They don't notice when I leave either. I feel like I spend my life not invisible but transparent, blending into the background, just a back drop for the main show.

5. Describe the last time you disappointed someone: I disapoint people all the time, I just don't usually let them know it's happened. It's usually more of a low-grade disappointment, not a failure at any one big thing but a failure to be all that they want or need.

These Friday questions are fun, cathartic and so distracting from the real crap going on in my life.

Questions, Questions, Questions

2006-03-17T02:55:32Z

I ignored the friday five questions last week so I thought I'd take a stab at them this week. It will keep me from whining about how much this week has sucked!

1) If you were to star in a movie, who would you want to be cast as your love interest?

It would depend on the type of love interest. For purely aesthetic purposes, if it was a hot sex type interest if would have to be Johnny Depp, if it was a more realistic love and marriage type story then Jon Stewart.

2) What genre of movie would you most like to star in?
I'd like to star in a film noir, with a tricky mystery, where no one is who they seem and I could be the femme fatale.

3) What song would you insist be on the soundtrack?
Chip Away Boy by Frank Black and the Catholics

4) What would you wear to the premiere of your movie?
A dark red dress, something low cut and close fitted with a knee length swingy skirt and extremely high heels

5) Who would you thank in your Oscar acceptance speech?
My co star, my director, my family and the academy

hee-hee

So tired

2006-03-15T03:23:55Z

Honestly alot of it is truly physical. 5-6 hours of sleep a night is not cutting it. I'm too old for this.

Ian is up early every morning, I don't get any time on my own until after 8:30 or 9 each night and I've been bringing work home with me almost every night. I need that hour or two on-line, unwinding in the evening.

Ian's test went ok yesterday. God I hope it's the last one. I wasn't sure what to prepare him for and I didn't want to upset him in advance. But he needed to get the contrast by needle not catheter and he freaked out a little, cried and cried. But he is such a good, strong boy when the time came to get the needle he closed his eyes and squeezed my hand and lat perfectly still so the Dr got the vein on the first time. Luckily he was a very good Dr too, took his time finding a good vein instead of poking around. We see the Dr on Tuesday (hopefully since I just picked up a voice mail changing it again!). I get so exhausted with all of this. I have no patience for anyone. Between work and everything else, I just want people to do what they're supposed to and I get so angry when they don't. Trying to suppress all this anger is pretty tiring as well.

Well once again, I am a ray of sunshine just full of happy tidings.

It's nice to know someone thinks so

2006-03-09T03:40:30Z

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

I'm not feeling very powerful and definitely not dominant. I'm so tired. Tired of trudging through. I'm sad, gearing up for a few weeks of being lonely. It's probably good for me though, I get a little dependent on having someone to listen to me and commiserate. I whine and bitch way too much. My life isn't half as sucky as many other people's lives and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm drowning at work, drowning, drowning, drowning. I am just waiting to see what the first thing will be that I get in trouble for not doing. Maybe a major blow up will do some good, bring in some fresh air. I"m at that point (yet again) where I feel the need for a huge cry but I'm way too tired. All of Ian's Dr stuff is coming very soon, Mon is the Kidney scan, the 21st is the follow up and hopefully we'll schedule the surgery. I'm very worried that the Dr will change his mind and say never mind, we don't have to do this now and Ian and I will have to go on with this hanging over our heads. I don't know why I feel such foreboding about it, I just feel it would be healthier to have it out and definitely healthier to have the reflux corrected. The cysts migrating scares me. And to be utterly honest, I'm so tired of being responsible for figuring this stuff out. I know that's selfish, I know there are people with kids who are really sick and they have to deal with Dr's and hospitals constantly. But there is no one but me. If I relax and don't pay close enough attention and it turns out there is more wrong with him I'd die.

I really am exhausted with being the only one (this is why I love season 6 & 7 Buffy but I digress). I'm tired of trapping mice and moving furniture and spending most of my bonus on house hold stuff and trying to figure out how to change lightbulbs on my 8 or 9 foot ceiling when I'm on 5 feet. I can't make 9 or 10 hours a day at work stretch so I can do 12 hours worth of work. I hate reviewing homework, I am an innately selfish person I hate having to be awake and able to interact with Ian at 6am when I could get 15 minutes more sleep. I find myself getting angrier and angrier at fate. I am as angry for Ian. He has such a hard life and I feel so guilty that I can't make it easier for him and at the same time I am so tired of being angry and guilty.

Oh well, it's late and I need to stop bitching now.

Friday Five

2006-03-04T02:54:07Z

I can't believe it is March already, it's been another long, long week and I'm not in a super happy place right now.

1. Who was your favorite all time teacher(s)?
I've had lots of favorite teachers. My second grade teacher who decided to let me read as far ahead as I could go and who enrolled me in the extra enrichment programs. My 10th grade creative writing teacher. Mr. Haines who taught AP Bio. and my 12th grade AP history teacher who made world history fun and interesting. Oh and Mrs. Murphy, 10th grade AP english and the literary magazine mentor.

2. What did they teach?
I guess I answered that above.

3. What is your best memory from that class?
I don't really do memories. The best teachers just always made me feel comfortable and they seemed as excited to teach me something as I was to learn. I don't have a specific memory but I maintain the impression of the feeling of belonging working on the literary magazine. I can remember the spring of 12th grade, I was accepted at NYU early and didn't really care about school except to finish, and I barely made it thru a history test that I had not studied for and because I didn't study, I didn't have much to say so I spent the balance of the period writing out the lyrics to Ziggy Stardust. I think I earned an extra 10 points for getting them right.

4. Did you ever have a crush on a teacher and if so who?
not really

5. What is the craziest/wildest/weirdest thing you (or someone you know) ever did at school?
12th Grade AP bio there were only 4 of us that wanted to take the class but Mr. Haines agreed to teach it even tho he had to give up his free/lunch period to do it. However for about 1/2 of the period we were alone and unsupervised. One spring day, close to the end of senior year, we got giggly and a little silly (there may have been intoxicants involved) and we climbed out the bio room window onto the lower roof. No real reason why, just because we wanted to.

I really did wish I had more specific, real memories of most of my life. I think I've just programmed myself to move on that I really do just close a door and move on.

I can't believe I have to go to work tomorrow

2006-02-27T03:48:16Z

Had a nice weekend. Actually enjoyed DC a great deal. Site-seeing isn't high on my must do list, but watching Ian site-see was great.

But we walked the length of the Washington mall atleast 4 times, the width at least 4 and we walked Capitol hill, all the steps at all the memorials and 2 museums all between 9am Sat and noon today. My feet are killing me. The hotel was nice , the food was pretty nice. Ian thought it was the best hotel ever, each meal was the best meal ever. We went on a tour last night and saw many of the memorials again illuminated in the dark. Of course he's exhausted and spent an hour tonight crying because he has such a good time and he didn't want it to end. I told him we would think of some great NYC tourist stuff that we never do and have a special weekend here soon.

Ian is very good company but I am still rather worn out from 3 days of all Ian , all the time and no one else and no breaks (we only spend about 4 hours total awake at the hotel) I've listened to all my voice mails and checked all my emails so hopefully there will be no surprises at the office tomorrow. This week has some pretty sucky occasions scheduled. Meetings with mean old men, one of my mgr's last day with no replacement yet in sight.

I kind of squandered my week with out Ian working late each night. I know it was for the best but I'm sad and tired. I know I sing the refrain to this pity-ditty constantly.

The good things about this weekend
- Dinner with Ian Friday night
- Ian taking pictures at the Capital in the Rotunda
- The planetarium at the Air and Space Museum
- The Washington Monument on an incredibly clear sunny day
- Ian's joy at seeing the Lincoln memorial in the dark
- Ian taking pictures of the white house
- The FDR memorial
- having the money available to not scrimp on food or cabs or souvenirs