It's Ian's birthday today. He's 11. I've been raising this sweet, amazing, frustrating, pre-teen of a child for 11 years. I don't know why I get so sad this time of year. Well I do know why, I just don't understand why I still get so upset. I am certain that my life without Ian would have been so much less. I have a good life, I've finally found someone to share it with, why do I still mourn and what if, every year. Ian is amazing, smart and funny and loving. I would be a sad, lonely woman with out him. Maybe, I don't know though, I will never know what life would have been, who I would have been. Would Ty love that person that I would have been? Would I still be over weight, would I drink too much, would I have still gone 10 years alone. I wish I could let it go. I wish I could not still be angry with Laura after all these years and angry at mom too. I wish I was better at this whole mothering thing, I am scared to death of the next 8 years. I wish I wasn't going to be so old when Ian finally needs me less. I wish Ty was happier about being stuck with fatherhood, I wish we could have had some time alone. I wish Ian had an easier childhood, I wish that he was healthier and happier. I wish I could be enough, enough mother, enough wife, enough daughter and I'm just not, never have been so how can I expect to be enough to get Ian through to adulthood. I hate all these thoughts, I wish I was a better person, just able to accept what life has given me and go on instead of thinking and thinking and thinking.

Every once in a while, life will slow for a minute and I will realize it's been a week, a month, a year since I spent any time thinking about how I'm living instead of just getting through the day. ( Read more... )

I don't know why I can't say what I want, what I feel, what I need

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I'm tired and rather blue for some reason. ( Read more... )

So it's not quite noon and already Ian's been whiny and obnoxious (only briefly but still) and Ty responded by going into the bedroom with the door closed. So I am shuttling back and forth, kissing and telling each of them that I love them. Three weeks now and this seems to be the pattern. Why can't one of the give just alittle? I know that Ty's the grown up and should but he also has no experience with children and is trying very hard. he takes care of Ian everyday before and after school while I'm at work, why can't Ian dump the attitude? It pisses me off that neither one of them care that it's my day off and I'm sitting here alone. Ian wants Ty to care for him so much and Ty wants to care for him for me if for no other reason but they are both so damn stubborn. arrrgh. What am I supposed to do? I love Ian but I deserve to have someone in my life, I deserve to be cared for too and the thing is he wants this too but he won't bend or behave. i know it's asking alot, we moved across the country and left are whole life behind but I am trying v ery very hard to keep things good for him to make everything as easy as possible. I just don't know what to do.

I know it's silly but I can't seem to shake it today ( Read more... )

It's probably been almost a year since I've written in any kind of journal let alone on here. It was a hard winter and a rather interesting summer. ( Read more... )

Haven't written in a very long time. Alot going on and also nothing. Same old shit over and over. Not really worth talking or writing about. But if i don't say or write the words they just go around and around in my head.

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Kind of a rough day. Went into the office still very angry with Irene.

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(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

or at least on Rogers Ave in Brooklyn. Ian and I are home from the hospital. Everything went well and he is recovering nicely according to the urologists.

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until Ian's surgery,thank goodness. I had no idea I'd be so upset. I must be PMSing, I'm so weepy

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1. What's missing from your life?

2. Do you like to get drunk?

3. Have you ever kissed a stranger?

4. Do you smoke?

5. What makes you happy?

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Copied this meme from itmustbetuesday
1. Put your music on shuffle
2. Press Forward for each question
3. Use each song to answer the question

Pretty Funny

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1. What's the weather like?

2. When is the last time you felt appreciated?

3. What is the last bad news you heard?

4. What is your favorite sad song?

5. Tell us about something you're obsessed with:

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Oh Crap, it's been another incredibly sucky week. Three more people quit on me. By June there's going to be no one left but me - I guess that makes me the asshole. So, onto another five questions

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