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May 19th

It's Ian's birthday today. He's 11. I've been raising this sweet, amazing, frustrating, pre-teen of a child for 11 years. I don't know why I get so sad this time of year. Well I do know why, I just don't understand why I still get so upset. I am certain that my life without Ian would have been so much less. I have a good life, I've finally found someone to share it with, why do I still mourn and what if, every year. Ian is amazing, smart and funny and loving. I would be a sad, lonely woman with out him. Maybe, I don't know though, I will never know what life would have been, who I would have been. Would Ty love that person that I would have been? Would I still be over weight, would I drink too much, would I have still gone 10 years alone. I wish I could let it go. I wish I could not still be angry with Laura after all these years and angry at mom too. I wish I was better at this whole mothering thing, I am scared to death of the next 8 years. I wish I wasn't going to be so old when Ian finally needs me less. I wish Ty was happier about being stuck with fatherhood, I wish we could have had some time alone. I wish Ian had an easier childhood, I wish that he was healthier and happier. I wish I could be enough, enough mother, enough wife, enough daughter and I'm just not, never have been so how can I expect to be enough to get Ian through to adulthood. I hate all these thoughts, I wish I was a better person, just able to accept what life has given me and go on instead of thinking and thinking and thinking.


Every once in a while, life will slow for a minute and I will realize it's been a week, a month, a year since I spent any time thinking about how I'm living instead of just getting through the day. Read more...Collapse )

I am ridiculous

I don't know why I can't say what I want, what I feel, what I need

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Friday Night

I'm tired and rather blue for some reason. Read more...Collapse )

Saturday Morning

So it's not quite noon and already Ian's been whiny and obnoxious (only briefly but still) and Ty responded by going into the bedroom with the door closed. So I am shuttling back and forth, kissing and telling each of them that I love them. Three weeks now and this seems to be the pattern. Why can't one of the give just alittle? I know that Ty's the grown up and should but he also has no experience with children and is trying very hard. he takes care of Ian everyday before and after school while I'm at work, why can't Ian dump the attitude? It pisses me off that neither one of them care that it's my day off and I'm sitting here alone. Ian wants Ty to care for him so much and Ty wants to care for him for me if for no other reason but they are both so damn stubborn. arrrgh. What am I supposed to do? I love Ian but I deserve to have someone in my life, I deserve to be cared for too and the thing is he wants this too but he won't bend or behave. i know it's asking alot, we moved across the country and left are whole life behind but I am trying v ery very hard to keep things good for him to make everything as easy as possible. I just don't know what to do.

I'm lonely

I know it's silly but I can't seem to shake it today Read more...Collapse )

Hello Again

It's probably been almost a year since I've written in any kind of journal let alone on here. It was a hard winter and a rather interesting summer. Read more...Collapse )

hello again

Haven't written in a very long time. Alot going on and also nothing. Same old shit over and over. Not really worth talking or writing about. But if i don't say or write the words they just go around and around in my head.

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Long time between posts again

Kind of a rough day. Went into the office still very angry with Irene.

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Five Answers


corset painted

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